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Katya Cengel became patient number 090 71 51 at the Roth Psychosomatic Unit at Children's Hospital at Stanford in 1986. She was 10 years old. Overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment, worthlessness and anger at having to care for her depressed father, she wanted out. She found it the only way she knows how – by starving herself.

Thirty years later Katya, now a journalist, discovers her young age was not the only thing that made her hospital stay unusual. The idea of psychosomatic units themselves, where patients have dual medical and psychological diagnoses, was a revolutionary one, since largely fallen out of favor. Katya documents this, tracking down the doctors, psychologists and counselors who once cared for her.

What happened to her as a child is told in the voice of the troubled 10-year-old girl she once was. The two narratives unfold simultaneously. The result is a gut-wrenching account of childhood mental illness told from the inside interspersed with updates from experts in the field.

“The memoir masterfully renders a personal story that casts a light on a neglected area of public health. Cengel successfully uses her journalistic skills to revisit this part of her life: “Now I can ask the questions I couldn’t as a child.” A harrowing but engrossing examination of pediatric care for readers interested in psychology and health.” –Kirkus Reviews

“Incredibly affecting …” –Jessica Zach,San Francisco Chronicle

“For Cengel, as well as her fellow patients, finding ways to succeed at self-destructive behaviors—or to fantasize about succeeding—is an obsession that’s hard for her to shake. She narratesbeing thereandbeing herwith the immediacy and intensity of a novel.”Joyce Thompson,River Teeth
“This memoir intertwines Cengel’s 10-year-old voice with l£)